The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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