I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
