someone owes me an orgasm
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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