the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
