turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Houston, we have a squirter
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Randomize
