You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
how does that bad decision feel?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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