I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
