apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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