Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
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