Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
