loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
