This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
