Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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