Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
It's Friday. Sex?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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