The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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