I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
