I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
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