i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
