I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
