I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
