it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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