Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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