Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
