We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
