Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
