peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize