on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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