Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
