dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
