my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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