he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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