Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
