i think my tv is drunk
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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