So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
