remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize