Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
