I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
