The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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