my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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