sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
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