don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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