If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
