i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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