there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
