She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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