Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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