I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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