So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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