My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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