Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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