he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I need moral support for this bender
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
