idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
