lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
