just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
She needs sedatives and a leash
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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