I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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