youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
All the doctor said was why
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
