I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
