i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
