Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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