I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
